Walk a mile in my underpants

New Gravity Defyer shoes. How did this logo get approved?

http://gravitydefyer.com/

Tonight while walking Natty in the park, I inadvertently filmed my first viral video. Enjoy.

One unsuspecting neighbor reserved their parking space with this cardboard box and then left for work.

Today is recycling day.

http://www.stoptheadness.org

Attention Viagra, Cialis and Hooters. You’ve officially missed your opportunity to sponsor the world’s largest erection.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/meast/01/04/dubai.burj/index.html

Kids are pretty dumb. I remember growing up, kids used to say “I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.”

How come no one ever thought to reply, “I think you’re a beautiful person?”

Someone told me that I curse like a sailor.

How come sailors are the ones who get pegged as cursers?

All of the sailors that I know drive beamers and wear L.L. Bean.

I think the saying should be, “you curse like David Mamet.”

I walked into the bathroom at the Daily Grind and washed my hands.

I turned off the sink, stepped over to the paper towel dispenser and waved my hand in front of it.

Nothing happened.

I waved at it again.

Still nothing.

A man never feels more humbled than the moment he realizes that he’s been waving at a manual paper towel dispenser.

A new hibiscus flower blossomed overnight. From Natty’s reaction, you would’ve thought an alien had landed in the yard.

Part 1:

Part 2:

(This moment brought to you by the iPhone 3Gs video camera.)

“A flying micro-robot has been developed by researchers at the University of Waterloo in Ontario. The micro-robot has pincers which can be opened by heating them with a laser. When the laser is turned off, the pincers cool and close.” - ZDNet.com

Ok you better listen up Canada and you better listen good. I am not ok with this. If there’s one thing the world does NOT need right now, it’s tiny flying robots with pincers and lasers.

I’ve had it. As if we don’t already have enough to worry about.

I mean, Jesus H. Christ. I thought the pirates were bad. With everything else going on, it was like, hey. What could possibly make things worse? Oh, of course. Pirates.

But now, no? Now we have to worry about paperclip-sized robots flying around, pinching us and shooting us with lasers?

Do you hear me Canada? I can not handle this crap from you right now. This is really bad timing.

We’ve got the recession thing. We’ve got the Swine Flu. We’ve got the Middle East. We’ve got Kim Jong friggin’ Il over there acting like a heavily armed Tom Cruise. And now you? With the robots and the flying and the lasers? What’s next? Invisible lions? Toilet sharks? Insult-comic ninjas that beat you up and put you down simultaneously?

You were supposed to be the polite one, Canada. The one with the bacon and the syrup and the leaves. But, yeah. I guess it makes sense now. It’s always the quiet ones who end up inventing the flying robots.

And what’s the deal with those pincers? Huh, Ontario? What kind of crazy sonofabitch decided that the lasers weren’t good enough? That the tiny flying robots also needed the ability to pinch people and maybe give them purple nurples.

I thought we were friends, Canada. But friends don’t secretly build tiny laser-shooting robots behind friends’ backs.

And Washington: WTF? How did this slip through the cracks? That’s right. I’m looking at you, CIA. How did we not catch this? Did you not notice the booming international black market for tiny pincers and Lilliputian lasers? The shipment-upon-shipment of itty-bitty Fedex boxes crossing the Canadian border?

And speaking of the border: Sarah Palin, turn around. You’ve been keeping an eye on the wrong neighbor.

Maybe our government missed it because we’ve been so worried about Cuba. We’ve been patrolling the waters because the Cubans might sneak into Florida and apply for a job. But as far as I know, none of those jobs involve shooting us with lasers!

Meanwhile, Canada’s up there cackling and perfecting the teeny wings.

This is bad. This is really bad. Has anyone called the Pentagon? Are we even vaguely prepared for flying robots? Last I checked, we’ve got a whole bunch of really expensive weapons that are all really really really big. I don’t think the stealth bomber is going to be a whole lot of help in fighting an enemy the size of a sugar packet.

Dammit Canada. I am so angry at you right now.

Ok, listen up Washington DC. Here’s what we’re gonna do. Forget the economy. Forget the Swine Flu. Forget the pirates. And forget the pistachios. I want the Canadian border closed, I want 4 million square miles of giant mosquito netting stretched from Michigan to Mexico and I want all that leftover stimulus money redirected to arm our citizens with laser-proof flyswatters.

Seriously.

This is getting ridiculous already.